I'm basically middle class, and have a not horrible home life. I have a good mom and dad and brother. Though occasionally they STILL have two week long epic battles. Not even arguments, they start full scalewars between them, that makes life pure hell. Though I have to admit it's getting better, when I was in middle school and elementary, it seemed like they would have a vicious argument every other weekend, or even more often then that. This will sound self-pittying but that may have scarred me? What was horrible is my parents would use epicly foul launguage in front of me with absolutely no remorse, when when I was a mere six or five years old I could hear them using the f-word; you guys don't know what it's like to be six years old and hear your parents using the f-word right in front of you while throwing stuff at each other.
I was pretty social in elementary really. I would play with all the other kids, hang out, even go to the occasional birthday party. Once I reached 4th grade though, I started acting a little wild and hyper, and would run around the playground annoying everybody, which quickly made me the 'retard' basically who most ppl avoided, but I wasn't particularly picked on.
In middle school, predictably, I was occasionally bullied but nothing physical, and my small 11 something-year old mind made things seem worse than they really were. I was such a little punkass ***** I would even tattle-tale on the other kids. Which made me even more unpopular.
Then I hit 7th grade. I met these two mexican kids who were interested in Runescape, an online game. We'd play the game together occasionally after-school while on the internet in our seperate homes, but mostly on the weekends. We weren't too close in-school however, as we weren't in any of the same classes, and we NEVER hanged out outside of school. It's pathetic I know, but they were honestly the closest friends I ever had. After that there was nobody I could consider a friend, much less a buddy or an acquaintence.
Once I hit the end of 7th grade and 8th grade, for no particular reason, I suddenly became a loner. I know it can't all be blamed on what event, but I just unconciously made the decision at the beginning of 8th grade to start isolating myself. Lunch in middle school was essentially the most miserable period of my life. I felt like I wanted to throw-up everytime the lunch bell would ring because I'd drag myself out to the lunch yard, and sit myself, usually reading Harry Potter or the Lord of the Rings.
It was gradual. Starting near the end of the 7th grade, I had retired myself to the lunch time activity of basically eating lunch with all the mexican kids, (I"m not racist, just other ppl thought it was weird I didn't hang out with the white kids and they weren't afraid to voice their opinion), after I finished eating I'd follow them all-out to the field where we'd play soccer. I wasn't really friends with them, but soccer was a much better alternative then sitting myself at lunch. I really enjoyed it.
At the time, I blamed my early stages of lonerism on this one reason, and it may or may not still be true. You judge: Eventually by eight grade or mid-eight grade, the mexican kids stopped playing soccer, and everybody, to my horror and dismay, broke up into their little cliques and would stand around and talk at lunch. Everybody was interested in dating, parties, and popularity. Nobody cared anymore about just playing soccer and having fun. That's when I could say I started my phase of sitting by myself at lunch.
To cut this long story in half, by high school my daily routine was basically: when the lunch bell rang, I'd (and still do) would walk as qiuckly as I could go to study hall or the library, where I'd bury myself in a book or play-online games on the computer. I had, and have, absolutely zero friends, much less ppl I can consider acquaintences. I took honors English/History freshmen year, but failed horrible in both classes, and now have sunk to the level of taking all regular classes. I used to freak out when we had to choose groups to do a project, or pick seats, but I've learned to suppress my emotions and block out my fears and anxieties. I usually stand around and have to have the teacher pick a group for me, which is utterly humiliating I won't lie. Though, picking seats isn't so bad anymore. When I first get the idea we're getting no seats, my trick is to simply find a seat, any seat, as quickly as I can so I dont' have to face the horror of choosing where to seat at a table where people already are.
I admit, I'm not bullied, ppl leave me alone, but It's weird. I almost miss being bullied, at least than I received human contact. Except for my What sucks is not only am I a loner but at the same time I'm not too smart either.?
That was enjoyable to read because you kind of remind me of myself when I was your age. I'm only 19 now. Middle school and Highschool is a tough time, no kidding. Maybe you should start opening up just a little bit, then people would notice you and at least wave at you in the hallway or want to sit next to you. Find something in highschool that you're good at, like the drama club or Student government or something. Don't be afraid to hang out with new people! Relax and be a class clown like you used to be. People are attracted to funny people. :pWhat sucks is not only am I a loner but at the same time I'm not too smart either.?
To help yourself, have hope and pray about your life. Tell God about it. God is love. Know that God can help you live a better life. You can have a personal relationship with God by saying the prayer below. God is our Creator, all-knowing, all-powerful, eternal, holy, love. God loves us and sent us His Son, Jesus Christ, so we can go to heaven if we know and follow Him. Forever means without end -- time on and on without death. Forever is what happens after we die. Either we go to heaven and be with God forever, or we go to hell which is very bad and painful forever. The good people who are saved believers in Jesus Christ go to heaven. The bad people go to hell. We need to know and follow God in this world to get to heaven in the next world. We follow God by loving and obeying Him and loving others for Him. Jesus Christ, God's Son, is our bridge to God. Jesus died on the cross to cancel our sins. We need to accept Jesus into our life as our Lord and Savior forever to receive God's blessing and forgiveness plus go to heaven to be with God forever after we die. This is about being a born-again Christian. Faith in God is a gift from God. You can pray for faith in God. Just speak out and ask God for the faith to believe in Him and to follow Him. Some people find faith in God when they realize the beauty in the world is made by God. Evolution can't explain the world's natural beauty, for example, the parks in the world, animals, flowers, peacocks, sunsets, butterflies, rainbows, etc. After you have your faith on, you can pray a sinner's prayer to be a born-again Christian. This prayer is very important and should be said with a sincere heart and faith in God. This is the prayer: "Dear God, I know that I am a sinner and that Jesus Christ is the sacrifice for our sins. I have done the following sins (state these out) and I pray to discontinue these sins. I pray to receive Jesus Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior forever. In Jesus' name, amen." I'm Lutheran and I like the Baptist churches too. You could check out a Christian church youth group or Bible study group to learn about God's will for your life. You can pray to God about your daily life and have a Christian church pray for you.
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